06/04/11

CHEAP ADVICE: NO CANDLES

Steer clear of candles: votive, scented, whatever. They will only make your appartment smell like a gift shop and remind you of fat Wanda, your upstairs neighbor in Chicago with the inspirational posters of cuddly animals: Take time to Smile! Friends forever! You had posters from museum gift shops: L’Esprit Nouveu! Tentoonstelling Graphica! After a certain amount of use the wicks will just shrivel up and be impossible to light. Dust will stick to the waxy surface and you will wonder why you bought them and when you can throw them away, just like with the posters.

05/04/11

CHEAP ADVICE: CANDY

Brush properly. Always floss. No matter what time it is when you go to bed and what the hell you were up to before you do. You might find you have overindulged in BB-Bats, Mary Janes, Tootsie Rolls, Bit-O-Honeys. Ask for Novacaine. Give up taffy for life. Stop thinking about how the skulls in the natural history museum still have all their teeth. Tell your children about the brushing and the flossing. Then try not to be fearful yet envious of the joyous oblivion with which they sink their perfect little teeth into all that candy.