Whatever you’re saving – the strapless dress, the king crab in a can, the frequent flyer miles – don’t. Everything has an experation date, including you. And while the wish to wait and find the right occasion can be overwhelming, it is born only of the fear of squandering that precious item. More often than not you will miss the perfect moment and find yourself hurtling towards death clutching something outdated, spoiled and useless. Which may or may not be a green sequined belt.



Steer clear of candles: votive, scented, whatever. They will only make your appartment smell like a gift shop and remind you of fat Wanda, your upstairs neighbor in Chicago with the inspirational posters of cuddly animals: Take time to Smile! Friends forever! You had posters from museum gift shops: L’Esprit Nouveu! Tentoonstelling Graphica! After a certain amount of use the wicks will just shrivel up and be impossible to light. Dust will stick to the waxy surface and you will wonder why you bought them and when you can throw them away, just like with the posters.



Brush properly. Always floss. No matter what time it is when you go to bed and what the hell you were up to before you do. You might find you have overindulged in BB-Bats, Mary Janes, Tootsie Rolls, Bit-O-Honeys. Ask for Novacaine. Give up taffy for life. Stop thinking about how the skulls in the natural history museum still have all their teeth. Tell your children about the brushing and the flossing. Then try not to be fearful yet envious of the joyous oblivion with which they sink their perfect little teeth into all that candy.



There is no way around it: convenience food is nothing but convenient. There is no book, drug or experience that will change your personality. There is no pair of jeans that will ever really fit. There is no fun reason to visit your relatives. There is no way to remove tomato sauce from a white shirt, so just throw it away. There is nothing good about winter. There is no justice, just luck. There is nothing you can buy that will make those bags under your eyes go away: Only sleep will help.